it's been a long time....

since i blogged. i guess it was when we were at mariel's that i had the urge to blog again. haha. so excuse me if i ramble, i'm just here to say what's on my mind.

lately, i've been really concerned with my future, with what i think God wants me to do with my life and all that jazz. but i think what's really on my mind now is the hope that my parents would, for once, be sincerely proud of me. my parents say that i overshadow my sister because of my achievements, but i feel its entirely the opposite. i feel like my sister overshadows ME. she's the hard-worker and dedicated one, and I seem to be the one that just seems to slide by in life, getting through with a natural ability to comprehend things that would take others longer to understand. but i'm still underachieving.... i'm getting average grades and in danger of doing bad in trig. i think the only thing i'm really worried about is disappointing my parents. being in a filipino family, i hold my parents and grandparents in the highest esteem. and not having their respect and pride in me kills me inside. i find myself spending countless times in my chapel, praying to God that my parents would look at me, not with disappointment, but with that look of pride that i've seldomly seen.... i can't even remember the last time my parents looked at me with accepting eyes... and never have i heard them say "I'm proud of you." 4 syllables that every son and daughter strives for, whether it be indirectly or not. 4 syllables that summarize my relationship with my parents, aimlessly looking for it. yeah, i don't try as hard as i should in school. i feel like i'm squandering God's talent, given to me to be able to serve Him will all that i have. Have you heard of the parable of the talents? well, that's me. i know that i can do better with the talent that God gave me, it's just that... i DON'T. i don't try to better myself in school, even though i know that i should...and with 3 weeks left, i feel like the metaphorical clock of my future is nearing its end. this year decides my future. and what do i have to show for it? if i could, i would take this year back, and work harder so that i would have a brighter future. if only we had that luxury.....

and now....

i was talking to my friend yesterday about some things..... and well, i have a problem. haha. i mean it's not a really big deal, but i saw her today... and she looked beautiful as always.... she's really not like other girls, in the sense that she doesn't need to try so hard to be beautiful, she just.... naturally is. there were so many things i wanted to tell her, but i knew that i couldn't. no matter how many times i wish i could let her know that every moment i saw her was something special, i knew i couldn't. i couldn't risk friendship over feelings that could ruin everything... so i kept quiet. i wanted to tell her how much i really cared about her. i wanted to tell her how she's affected me in ways that i've never dreamed.... but i couldn't. and for the past couple days, all i could think about was whether i should talk to her or not. i didn't want to make her feel weird or uncomfortable. and i didn't want her to think i was a loser of something, though i know she's incapable of doing that. she's just too nice. =]

so i guess that's it. i'm reduced to writing a blog about feelings i can't tell.... feelings that i want her to know..... but i can't tell her..... i care about her too much to risk losing her as a friend..... and i can't stand those awkward conversations anymore... haha

so if she's reading this, i just want her to know that, no matter how she feels towards me, that i'm really thankful to have met her and for her being in my life. yeah, it might sound corny and stupid, but that's how i feel. and i can't ignore it. so no more dashboard confessional. haha. i'm just happy knowing that i have another friend that makes me feel like everything's ok with the world.