new blog.

http://johnieee.blogspot.com/

it's been a while.......

yessir. i can't even remember the last time i used this blog thing. but as far as how my life is going, it's been crazyy. imma miss the dance practices, all the times we joked around.... man good times. "hoo! hah! hidouken!" i watched the video like 6 times... and it's weird. i've never seen myself crump before.... need to work on that. haha. i've been pretty active lately, which is always a good thing. if i'm not at school, i was at practice. when i'm not dancing, i'm doing homework. when i'm doing neither of those things, i'm singing. haha. it all helps keeping my head straight...

hmmm. as for the *ahem* girl, i'm kinda feeling weird about it. i'm starting to feel a bit of animoscity from... the "last one". we haven't talked in a while, and yeah. well, i just wanna say i'm sorry it wasn't working out. maybe i rushed into this stuff too fast... but i want you to know that you were seriously the first girl to make me feel good about myself... i never thought that someone like you would even think about going out with someone like me... and even though we don't talk much anymore, i just wanted to say thank you. =]

as for "this girl", i'm not sure completely about where its at. i mean, we talk pretty much everyday and we see each other all the time. but it doesn't help that her parents don't know about me. i'd rather just go straight up to them, and ask their permission myself... as for us, i mean, we still haven't gone out. and it's weird with her. one day, she'll stare and smile, talk and hang out with me... but like today, i get ignored. whatever. and our conversations.... well... kinda... hit the borderline a lot. haha.

i told myself i wouldn't need a gf this year... that by college i'll be good.

haha. lamee.

man......

right now, life's.... unexplainable. too much going on right now. senior year's coming up, and looking forward to it... looking for optimism in a world with negativity... hope in a world with temptation and sin.....love in a world with scorn and malcontent..... peace in a world with hurt.... these couple years are gonna be tough, with countless obstacles in our way. but those are the times where a decision must be made: to overcome adversity, or hide in its wake. God, please grant me the strength to persevere, the knowledge to guide my conscience, the courage to fight on when all may seem bleak, the fortitude to remain strong in my faith, the hope to heal the pains my heart must endure, and the patience to follow the right path, no matter how arduous and painful it can be.

"today's the day.... the worst day of my life..."

"he doesn't catch you like i do...
and you don't know why...."

to say it straightforward, this day was one of the worst i've had. problems all around... with family, people, a whole bunch of stuff. and now i needa get it out of my system.... because of my philosophy: never go to sleep with animosity. or your problems continue to the next day.... so i'll say what i need to... before i go to sleep. adrian, patrick, augustine... thanks for staying with me when i needed people to help me get through what i had to... you guys are like brothers to me... and anne. thanks to you too. for keeping me laughing and all that when i got the news... so now, nothing to do but keep going.

damnn. i'm trippin'.

so it's my birthday in officially 1 day.... but it doesn't really feel like it. people have been asking for what i want for my birthday, but there's only two things i want.. the most important one: my family. our family's kinda split. by family, i also include my cousins, aunts, uncles, and lolo and lola. it's hard to deal with sometimes, but i just wanna see them all.... together.

but on a lighter note, mariel, i heard you'll be coming home soon! sorry i won't be around to welcome you and your family back.... i had the perfect plan.... show up at the airport, holding a sign with your name on it, with some "welcome back" flowers in my other hand... haha. =] sadly, i can't really drive... legally. haha. i'm guessing you'll be home by the time you read this, if you read it at all.... so welcome back. =]

my sleeping hours have been pretty erratic lately... so many things on my mind... i was up all night last night...

and thursday's manang suping's viewing... sadly, i did not get to know you very well, but from the amount of time i've been in IE, you always had a smile on your face, no matter what struggles went down, i always saw a smile. she always complimented my singing.... even when i'd mess up. haha. so anyways, you meant a LOT to many different people... you'll be missed. so take care....

"when you walked away...."

"and whatever lies beyond this morning,
is a little later on...
regardless of warnings,
the future doesn't scare me at all...." -UH (KH1)

gooood song.

don't really have much to say this time... but now i need to figure out for myself how i'm really feeling, and if i'm willing to fight for it. take a chance, or let it pass. wednesday.




but in the meantime...I....

"guess i'm just part of the list..."

this week.... tiring, but successful overall. thanks to all the IE officers for working hard... but we're not done yet... more practices for me, as i prepare for my stage debut as NICK JONAS (*cue screaming girls*) need to learn that S.O.S. song.... only done one chapter on english summer work... damnn i'm good. =] i dunno if imma do the singing competition this year.... too stressful.... and i can barely handle anymore stress right now. sorry if i jump from place to place...haha. dude! you need to HANDLE already! shoulda gone up to her tonight... haha. and she was dancing by herself... sorta... shoulda joined her. =] ehhzzz.... no real update yet. haha. there's this one thing though.... a feeling. not so small. haha. my sleep has been... awkward lately... i slept for 13 hours thursday night, and slept for 3-4 hours last night.... lamee. i couldn't sleep... i dunno why. haha. i guess too much going on in my head. i need to learn to chill....

and the quote for today: "dude. you're a jerk." *UR A Jerk playing in the background*

HAHAHAHA.

AJ, dude, session again. and we'll get patrick too.
lifee is gooood. =]

"could it be those days are gone....."

choir concert tonight... university of santo tomas from the philippines are performing at the CAC. parents already bought me a ticket, so imma have to go...

prep for retreat class, start summer homework... here we go...
but at least now, i'm feeling good. =]

"12:30 in the mornin'... i still can't sleep, thinkin' bout your beauty it makes me weak..."

i can't remember the name of the artist that sang that song. so anyways, if you didn't notice, imma keep using song lyrics for the titles. pretty much any song can be used for any situation... so yeaa. haha. today was my sister's graduation from the class...and i couldn't be prouder. she has finally experienced God in a way words cannot express. along with about 150 entirely NEW young and older women... from all over the place... vegas, portland, arizona, even the philippines! it was an amazing thing to see. so many people under the grace... it makes me miss my retreat class....2 years ago... as far as my life now, it's pretty smooth. it could be better, but that's just the way life is i guess... went out with all the officers wednesday and thursday. wednesday we went T.G.I. friday's for camille's 18th birdie. congrats. haha. there were like 30 of us there... i'd feel bad for the waitress, except for that damnn gratuity thing. she probably made $100 off of us. haha. friday we went to ESPN zone in downtown disney. came home at 1. my ninong/ godfather took me. i don'tcall him ninong, because it makes him feel old. haha. so i just call him kuya, or "older brother" (for you not-filipinos.)and he talked to me about an interesting subject. i hate to have to keep going back to this subject (as mariel pointed out...), but it was good. he told me about how he feels about his girlfriend, that he loves her, but every day, he gets more afraid.... afraid that she would start liking someone else... and that she might choose that other guy... and it's the worst feeling in the world. so he said. and that got me thinking... this kinda thing did happen to me before, sort of, but we were never really "together." and i think that was the one that hurt the most. i'm over all that already, but i still remember how that felt. and it sucked. it was crazy, hearing him open up like that...


ok next subject. i gave alina a "congrats on serving present." haha. it was cool seeing her again. and her smile... haha. it's whatever. all the other guys were bugging me about it.... lamee. thanks again, kuya ace, for covering me. haha. i owe you $5. it was worth it.

and the next subject... to the only 4 people following my blog on this damnn thing... school's only been over for about 2 weeks or so... but it feels like a hella long time. we gotta chill sometime. maybe a party? danica, you still owe me one, remember?? haha. =] wesley, the second lame after school kid (after me). we'll hang sometime. haha. as soon as you can legally drive people. you know what? forget that. i'll trust my 14 year old sister behind the wheel before you. because i know the only way i'm getting out of the car you're driving, is on a stretcher. haha. jkjk. mariel, we need to hang too. haha. maybe i'll see you in english and anatomy. hopefully. haha. and michelle, last but not least, we'll double sometime. you'll take ken, obviously. haha.

"baby, you mah errthang, you all i ever wanted..."

damnn song is stuck in my head. haha. so it's 1 AM, and i got NOTHING to do. damnn. i never thought i've kinda MISS school...at least, the people there. school is still lamee. haha. i took my grandpa to cheesecake factory for father's day... hope he had fun. i call him "lolo" for more than 2 reason. yeah, "lolo" means grandpa in tagalog, but still, he's more than a grandpa to me. he's like my idol. i look up to him, especially because of his spiritual strength and faith. If you're reading this, then please don't mention this to anyone... but anyways, our family's not as... tight knit as other families. i mean, we all still love each other a lot, it's just that we're not as close. but even though we don't see each other a lot, he still prays that we would stay together. his faith and trust in GOD is something extremely admirable... a loyal servant of God. He would tell me all these stories about his past... and me, being the only grandson, would listen to them. but it was because i really liked talking to him... he understands the things i've gone through, and he knows what's going on with me, even though i don't say anything... he told me about all his struggles in moving from the philippines to america, teaching me all these lessons that he learned. he made me proud to be his grandson. i only hope that i can make him proud... the least i could do for all the things he's taught me... i feel like sometimes, i take him for granted... i know that he's not gonna live forever... that someday, he's going to go to our Father in heaven. so now i see that i should take full advantage of him being here. so, lolo, thank you for all that you are, and for all that you've done for me.... i promise to make you proud one day, lolo.

"summer days just sittin' around, but when the sun goes down....

I be ready to party...."

this start of break has been.... eventful. first of all, its feels weird not seeing the CHHS crew on the weekdays... no wesley to get crazy/dumb/hyphy/stupid with, no choir second period, no bball in the gym, and no 7th period (pretty damnn bombb class). but i feel this sense of....no achievement. i didn't do as well as i should have this year, and now i'm stressing about it. and it's summer. lamee. i need to step it up senior year... but there's a lot of good things coming up this summer. like the beginning of my recordings! i'll be making a myspace music profile of all you to see. collabo with jordan carreon (aka G22 music) and augie. it's gonna be dope. spread the word. and ask for a dedication if you want one! i might do it. if you're cool enough. =] still looking for a artist name... i might just go with my first and middle name though... it sounds legit. haha. first session tomorrow!

anyways, i also went through a lot the last couple days... i finally talked to her, told her it just wouldn't work out... i just couldn't see us together... i'm sure she'll find someone better than me... and then, there's another girl, "A" (from my last blog?) i was planning on asking her out next week... my chance to sweep her off her feet. =]] i just hope that she won't be thinking of "H" when she's with me... he's acting shady. she shouldn't be talking to him if he's already talking to 2 other girls. i just wanna make her see that she doesn't need that.... she doesn't need him... if you're reading this, "H", then back off her already. you're my homie, but she doesn't need to get hurt by you. and "A", if you're reading this, then i'll make you forget about him... whatever i need to do. you don't need him.

mirrors.

(Ode to the Girl in the Mirror)

"i believe that in a mirror,
you can see into one's soul...."

If you look hard enough,
and believe with all your mind,
you can see all you desire,
things beautiful and fine.

If you looked deep enough,
you become things you can't be,
when i see you, i see an angel
alluring and carefree

You've left an imprint on my heart,
i know that this is true,
for when i look into this mirror,
i only think of you.

it's been a long time....

since i blogged. i guess it was when we were at mariel's that i had the urge to blog again. haha. so excuse me if i ramble, i'm just here to say what's on my mind.

lately, i've been really concerned with my future, with what i think God wants me to do with my life and all that jazz. but i think what's really on my mind now is the hope that my parents would, for once, be sincerely proud of me. my parents say that i overshadow my sister because of my achievements, but i feel its entirely the opposite. i feel like my sister overshadows ME. she's the hard-worker and dedicated one, and I seem to be the one that just seems to slide by in life, getting through with a natural ability to comprehend things that would take others longer to understand. but i'm still underachieving.... i'm getting average grades and in danger of doing bad in trig. i think the only thing i'm really worried about is disappointing my parents. being in a filipino family, i hold my parents and grandparents in the highest esteem. and not having their respect and pride in me kills me inside. i find myself spending countless times in my chapel, praying to God that my parents would look at me, not with disappointment, but with that look of pride that i've seldomly seen.... i can't even remember the last time my parents looked at me with accepting eyes... and never have i heard them say "I'm proud of you." 4 syllables that every son and daughter strives for, whether it be indirectly or not. 4 syllables that summarize my relationship with my parents, aimlessly looking for it. yeah, i don't try as hard as i should in school. i feel like i'm squandering God's talent, given to me to be able to serve Him will all that i have. Have you heard of the parable of the talents? well, that's me. i know that i can do better with the talent that God gave me, it's just that... i DON'T. i don't try to better myself in school, even though i know that i should...and with 3 weeks left, i feel like the metaphorical clock of my future is nearing its end. this year decides my future. and what do i have to show for it? if i could, i would take this year back, and work harder so that i would have a brighter future. if only we had that luxury.....

and now....

i was talking to my friend yesterday about some things..... and well, i have a problem. haha. i mean it's not a really big deal, but i saw her today... and she looked beautiful as always.... she's really not like other girls, in the sense that she doesn't need to try so hard to be beautiful, she just.... naturally is. there were so many things i wanted to tell her, but i knew that i couldn't. no matter how many times i wish i could let her know that every moment i saw her was something special, i knew i couldn't. i couldn't risk friendship over feelings that could ruin everything... so i kept quiet. i wanted to tell her how much i really cared about her. i wanted to tell her how she's affected me in ways that i've never dreamed.... but i couldn't. and for the past couple days, all i could think about was whether i should talk to her or not. i didn't want to make her feel weird or uncomfortable. and i didn't want her to think i was a loser of something, though i know she's incapable of doing that. she's just too nice. =]

so i guess that's it. i'm reduced to writing a blog about feelings i can't tell.... feelings that i want her to know..... but i can't tell her..... i care about her too much to risk losing her as a friend..... and i can't stand those awkward conversations anymore... haha

so if she's reading this, i just want her to know that, no matter how she feels towards me, that i'm really thankful to have met her and for her being in my life. yeah, it might sound corny and stupid, but that's how i feel. and i can't ignore it. so no more dashboard confessional. haha. i'm just happy knowing that i have another friend that makes me feel like everything's ok with the world.

first blog.

so now what?